Editor’s note: What follows is the Monkey’s 2013 commencement speech, which he was prepared to deliver at Frankenvort Bialys University. He had to step down when The Situation became available for the gig, but we give it to you for your enjoyment because he asked us to. Sorry.
Before I begin, let me predict that this will be one of those speeches that goes viral. It’ll get made into a cool video, with graphics and arrows, that gets appreciative comments from Deepak Chopra and Kim Jung Un and five million likes and upvotes. So please refer to the illustrations in the handout under your seat if you want to get the same experience that the viral video will have later.
Thanks so much for coming to my commencement speech, peoples. I see so many parents and college grads who have come to hear me speak and I’m incredibly humbled. Please stop applauding, it’s too much!
The world is a difficult place to make your way in, graduates. You know this from your Philosophy of Ontology classes. But do you really know how difficult it is? Are you saying you do, but you’re answering a totally different question, like “Do you like gnocchi?” Are you saying you do, but you’re just singing along to a Young Jeezy song?
I want to impart to you the five most essential tips on how to get ahead in life. I’ve developed them over minutes of contemplation and some copy and paste, but I’m pretty sure they will change your life and I can’t wait to try them myself:
- Celebrate the ordinary things in life, like punctuation and sand paper. Then when extraordinary things don’t happen, like being forgiven for scratching a very special white Camaro that certain people happen to love a lot, you can always count on the ordinary things.
- Develop a unique, personal style by wearing clothes with fun names, like “romper” or “skivvies.” I have no idea what skivvies are, but when I find one, you can bet I’ll be wearing it to work with a bowler hat and cane or something.
- Consider a difficult problem in the world and try to come up with a simple, easy, human-powered solution. Store it in a secret place so nobody steals it.
- Don’t do things that everyone expects you to do. Aardvarks. (See how that works?)
- Patience is a virtue. Unless we’re talking about Patience the roller derby chick that hip-checked my robot at Maker Faire. She’s all about vice, by the look of her tattoos.
So in parting, college grads, you never know what you’re headed for in this crazy life. If you fall down or lose your way, stay there for a while, or forever if necessary. Because sideways is the direction of the future! Sideways, young grads!