Editor’s note: What follows is the Monkey’s commencement speech, which he prepared for the graduation ceremony at Frankenvort Bialys University. He was eager to impart his life tips to young grads, but had to step down when The Situation became available for the gig. We give it to you for your enjoyment because he asked us to. Sorry.
The world is a big place to make your way in, graduates. You know this from your entomology classes. But do you really know how big it is? Are you saying you do, but you’re answering a totally different question, like “Do you like gnocchi”? Are you saying you do, but you’re just singing along to a Young Jeezy song? Whatever your reason, keep nodding, because nothing says “great commencement speech” like an audience of heads nodding in agreement.
I want to impart to you the eight most essential tips on how to get ahead in life, which I’ve developed over much contemplation and introspection. I’m pretty sure they will change your life and I can’t wait to try them myself.
1. Start the day right
Greet each day with a smile and a confident eyebrow raise that says “I’ll see you one and I’ll raise you one.” If the day calls you on your bluff, however, you’re in trouble.
2. Enjoy the ordinary things in life
Take pleasure in ordinary things like punctuation and sand paper. Then when extraordinary things don’t happen, like being forgiven for scratching a very special white Camaro that certain people happen to love a lot, you can always count on the ordinary things.
3. Develop a unique, personal style
Express your originality by wearing clothes with fun names like “romper” or “skivvies.” I have no idea what a skivvy is, but when I find one, you can bet I’ll be wearing it to work with a bowler hat and cane or something.
4. Solve tough problems
Tackle a thorny issue and come up with a solution that would make life better for people. Store it in a secret place so nobody steals it.
5. Let go of pretty little things
Some say you should let go of petty little things, but I have a really hard time with that. And how often am I holding onto something that’s pretty and little? Never. Mission accomplished!
6. Don’t do what everyone expects you to do
Aardvarks. (See how that works?)
7. Seize the day
Live your life as if every day your hair is on fire. You’ll get more exercise, and people will appreciate your large gestures and loud, exciting words.
8. Patience is a virtue
Unless we’re talking about Patience the roller derby chick that hip-checked my robot at Maker Faire. She’s all about vice, by the look of her tattoos.
So in parting, college grads, you never know what you’re headed for in this crazy life. If you fall down or lose your way, stay there for a while, or forever if necessary. Because sideways is the direction of the future! Sideways, young grads!